Eden Lund
I found out in August of 2010 that we were expecting. Pregnancy was much different with Eden than it had been with my two boys and past four pregnancies. I had been put on progesterone with our second son after losing two previous pregnancies. With Eden, I was put on progesterone again. Only this time, instead of being sick for a short two weeks, I was sick up until after delivery. The first two weeks I couldn't even stand up straight. The next 6 weeks I was still completely nauseous but could stand without being in too much pain. After about week 12 the nausea let up a little.
On November 16th, we went in for an early ultrasound at Fetal Foto. I had kept the pregnancy a complete secret from everyone except my husband, kids, and my best friend. I was anxious to surprise everyone with the news. She was so dainty in the ultrasound. She kept crossing her legs and hiding herself. It was amazing to watch her and know my little girl was inside of me. Looking back, if I had not gone in for an early ultrasound, I would never have perfect pictures and live video of her. I cherish it.
I was so excited and so was everyone we shared the news with. I had surprised my mom at work with cupcakes, pink balloons, and a poem I wrote about this being her first granddaughter. Everyone was shocked I had kept the secret so long and that we already knew it was a girl! I couldn't keep myself from making several small purchases of girl clothing. It all seemed so surreal. Interestingly enough, I mentioned to my mom once that I kept buying clothes for someone that was so incredibly tiny. I never imagined her fitting into the small clothes. Not something that crossed my mind with my boys.
I had a regular ob appointment that same week and everything looked and sounded great. Strong heartbeat and all.
I was growing, but not nearly as fast as with my boys. I was relieved in hopes I wouldn't reach the 200 pound mark I did with my past two full term pregnancies. With my boys, I gained 10 pounds before even getting a positive pregnancy test. I gained about 10-15 by the time I delivered at 18 1/2 weeks with Eden. I was concerned about not feeling her often. It took me till about 19 weeks with my first and about 14 weeks with my second when I knew what to feel. I thought it was her position.
On December 21st, as we were driving home from my parents house, a feeling came over me. I turned to Brian and just mentioned that I felt "weird." I thought it was maybe because my youngest was coming down with something. Looking back, it was a feeling that was preparing me for the worst day of my life.
The next day I woke up and was excited to start our Holiday festivities. Brian had the rest of the week off and we were anxious to fill our days with activities. Early on in the morning, I started to bleed. I had bled with my first so I tried not to panic. I told Brian to get the kids ready and loaded into the car so we could go to the hospital. He told me I had better just go because it would take to much time. He assured me everything would be okay. I called my Mom and started sobbing immediately. I told her I was coming to get her to come with me. I left my nurse a message and let her know what was happening. She scheduled me an ultrasound a couple hours away. I went to the office to wait and get lab work done. The bleeding had slowed significantly. I waited the longest two hours of my life, I wanted so badly to receive good news, and go about my Christmas holiday. I made frequent trips to the bathroom. That was my first sign that things weren't good. I had experienced the same thing with my first miscarriage. Lots and lots of clear fluid. I told my mom I just wanted to hear the bad news and get out of there! I was angry sitting and starring at all the pregnant people. Some full term, some signing the papers for a fresh new pregnancy. I still remember some of the faces of the people there that day.
When it was my turn, I was called back and immediately given the ultrasound. The tech scrolled across to look at my ovaries first. Everything looked good. She soon pointed out a small pocket of fluid where she said the bleeding was coming from. I felt a tiny touch of relief but not for long. As she moved down further, my heart sank. I had had many ultrasounds. I knew my baby wasn't alive. She wasn't moving and there was no heartbeat. I looked at my Mom in horror and started to cry. I said, "I can't do this right now." She took my hand and said we would get through this. The tech said, "I am afraid it's not good. My first hint was the edema around her head." She mentioned that because of the edema and the size she was measuring, she had passed away about two weeks before. After going to the bathroom, my nurse and doctor had been told the news. I was led into my doctors office. I called my husband and my best friend. My Mom called my Dad. Pretty soon, Brian and my Dad were in route. My doctor came in with the nurse and we talked. I starred out the window across the street at Fetal Foto where just 5 weeks before, I had seen my precious girl alive and healthy. I was in complete shock. My doctor shared his experience of losing his son at 7 months.
I was suddenly faced with decisions I never thought I would be making. First, was when I would deliver. I was told we could start that evening but there was a good chance it could take up to three days and I would spend Christmas in the hospital. I was told I needed to figure out what to do with her body. They wanted to know if I wanted an autopsy after the birth if the reason for her death wasn't obvious.
Brian and I decided it would be best to deliver immediately. We spent the afternoon at my parents waiting for our check-in time. I kissed my other two babies goodbye and headed in.
I was put into a room immediately while Brian checked in. It's a whole different feeling going in to deliver a stillborn. I was placed in a room that again overlooked the strip mall where Fetal Foto is located. I was hooked up and then given the same drug I had previously been given to abort a blighted ovum. This time, instead of just one small pill, I was given two, every four hours. I anticipated a long couple days. We had visitors stream in and out and how grateful I was for them. I was told I could get an epidural or have other pain medication whenever I felt the need. I opted to not have any. I wanted the full experience since this was my last and only time with my daughter. My parents had left to put the boys in bed. We called them soon as things started moving faster than expected. I could feel my body doing what it was supposed to be doing. Around 3 in the morning I knew she was right there and ready. I only had to dilate to a 3 or 4 to accommodate the size of my baby. I was horrified knowing I would be doing the work to deliver without taking home a baby. I was sad to know it was almost over.
Eden was delivered perfectly in her sac which was still attached to the placenta. It was a blessing considering what the alternate can be. Dr. Barton, who was the doctor on call, had to cut the sac open to get her out. As he removed her from the sac, the reason of her death was then obvious. It was a cord accident. They say it's quite rare and the stage of pregnancy I was at. Unfortunately, due to her being so fragile, the cord had to stay where it was while we held her.
I asked if Brian would hold her first. It was amazing to see our little miracle. I say miracle because even at 16 weeks, she was a perfect little human. We passed our swaddled baby girl between my parents, my friend Kacey, and ourselves. She was a tiny, 4.5 ounce, 8.5 inch long, precious baby girl.
The nurse took her when we were done marveling at her. It was hard to say goodbye. They took her to a room where they took some pictures and hand/feet prints of her. I am so grateful they did.
My recovery room was in the main tower away from the women's center. They say some prefer it that way. I'm still not sure it was the best choice for me. It was so strange to be recovering from a delivery and not have an infant to care for. Many flowers were delivered, texts sent, phone calls made, and visits from loved ones. It was amazing to see the ones who came through to support in a time such as this.
It was a very gray day outside that morning. I remember looking out the window at all the people going about their normal business. I wanted so bad to be out there with my boys, with my baby still inside me. I wanted to enjoy my Christmas season. I was released later on the same morning of my delivery. It was the 23rd of December. I had shopping to finish. It was really eye opening to have a baby one morning and be shopping that same night. Nobody knew what had just happened. I had no baby in arms, just a broken heart. Christmas was just going through the motions for the kids.
Having a stillborn is a life altering experience. Every day presents a new emotional challenge. It's still a fresh thing for me as it happened just a short 4 months ago. I love and miss my baby girl every single day. As time has passed, I have reached a place I never thought I would be. Although I never wished or imagined going through this, I am grateful for the growth I have had since.
William Farnworth
In August of 2007 Zach and I found out we were expecting our first baby. In November we found out that we were having a little boy. We were so thrilled, and at the same time scared to be first time parents. As time got closer to my due date in May I started to talk about who would be throwing us baby showers and what we’d get from them.
On Monday March 24th I had a general routine check up, I was excited to hear the heart beat and seeing how I was measuring along. Zach was running late from work but made it just in time as they were taking me back to be examined. We sat about 45 minutes for the doctor to come, she is a busy lady! She came in and started to do the examination. She put the heartbeat Doppler on me to hear the heart… nothing…. She then said hmmm.. I’m going to get the ultrasound machine to see what this little guy is up to… As she left the room all I thought was, “what a little stinker he’s being”. She came back and started to check things….. I will never forget the words that she spoke, “there is no heartbeat”. What? No heartbeat? We were devastated. I then had to choose whether to deliver my sweet boy then, or to go into labor naturally. I decided that I would just stay and get admitted to the hospital. So on March 25, 2008 at 3:30 a.m. I delivered a stillborn little boy named William Zachary. I held him like you would a newborn; we loved him, but the only thing I did not do was take him home. We had a little graveside service for this special angel in our family.
The next few weeks after were really tough. I didn’t have my baby…. I kept asking WHY? Why did he have to leave us? It was so hard to go to family things because I had two sister-in-laws on both sides of the family expecting little boys. I decided that I would go back to work where I was working, but I thought it was going to be difficult because one lady I worked with delivered at the same hospital, on the same day, and she had her baby girl. Where was our life going I thought? We were so excited to have a new addition to our home and then we were hit with this obstacle. I didn’t think that I would ever overcome this trial in my life.
President Hinckley said, “There is no obstacle to great, no challenge too difficult, if we have faith.” My faith was tested in this trial. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of my little boy. I love to see my two nephews (who are Will’s age); I love to know that they’re happy little boys with so much energy, I’m happy that my brother and brother-in-law have their little boys and I’m happy to know that I will see my little boy one day and be able to raise him.
During this time of losing Will, Zach was applying to medical schools. We had just heard from the last school that he didn’t get in that year. Yes, we are here in Medical school now, but back when we were going through this trial there was no way that I was going to be moving away from family. I know now that there was a reason we didn’t get into medical school that year. LeGrand Richards, back in the May 1977 Ensign sums it up by saying, “God Moves in a Mysterious Way His Wonders to Perform.”
Overcoming losing a child, parent, spouse, pet or anything is always hard. But how can we overcome it? Every person is different in how they grieve or how they strive to overcome challenges in their lives. Like I said before, I always think of Will, but my strength to overcome this challenge in my life came from having the knowledge of seeing him again, knowing he’s in a better place and that we found out we were expecting another child. I have put faith in myself and my family. They have been the ones who have helped me overcome this challenge. They are the one’s who listened when I needed someone; they are the one’s who are always putting things on Will’s grave since we’re not living close. My husband has been my right hand man. He’s been there when my tears were streaming and there was nothing he could do or say to make me feel better, he’s been there on the nights that I couldn’t sleep because I didn’t think life could go on and he’s been there for the happier moments in our lives.
In February of 2009, our sweet Callista joined our family, healthy and happy. Ed J. Pinegar said, “In adversity, time is a great healer.” During my pregnancy with Callista that was my “TIME” of healing, my time to enjoy another pregnancy, to go to the Doctor twice a week my last two months and to know that everything would be okay with this baby. Yes, I had a few scares, yes when she was born I was waiting to hear that cry for a few very long seconds; but in the end everything worked out. In Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-9 it says, “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; “And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.”
Eleven months after Will was born we had Callista. My life then changed. I was more grateful for all that I had received in my life. Things have gotten better in our lives. It has been 3 years since we lost Will. Our lives have changed in many ways. With our beautiful little girl, we are living 1,200 miles away from family and we are growing daily as a family.
I know that everyone goes through some kind of adversity in their lives. Someone once told me after she lost her husband, that she really felt the spirit of the Lord in her life. She felt him hold her during her time of her trial, she said as days went by she could slowly feel the Lord release her back into the world and that her faith grew because of this trial. I know that the Lord loves us, I know he wants us all to be happy in our lives, I know that we are tested daily with our faith. I’m so thankful for my friends and family. I’m thankful for those challenges that life hands me!
William Farnworth
In August of 2007 Zach and I found out we were expecting our first baby. In November we found out that we were having a little boy. We were so thrilled, and at the same time scared to be first time parents. As time got closer to my due date in May I started to talk about who would be throwing us baby showers and what we’d get from them.
On Monday March 24th I had a general routine check up, I was excited to hear the heart beat and seeing how I was measuring along. Zach was running late from work but made it just in time as they were taking me back to be examined. We sat about 45 minutes for the doctor to come, she is a busy lady! She came in and started to do the examination. She put the heartbeat Doppler on me to hear the heart… nothing…. She then said hmmm.. I’m going to get the ultrasound machine to see what this little guy is up to… As she left the room all I thought was, “what a little stinker he’s being”. She came back and started to check things….. I will never forget the words that she spoke, “there is no heartbeat”. What? No heartbeat? We were devastated. I then had to choose whether to deliver my sweet boy then, or to go into labor naturally. I decided that I would just stay and get admitted to the hospital. So on March 25, 2008 at 3:30 a.m. I delivered a stillborn little boy named William Zachary. I held him like you would a newborn; we loved him, but the only thing I did not do was take him home. We had a little graveside service for this special angel in our family.
The next few weeks after were really tough. I didn’t have my baby…. I kept asking WHY? Why did he have to leave us? It was so hard to go to family things because I had two sister-in-laws on both sides of the family expecting little boys. I decided that I would go back to work where I was working, but I thought it was going to be difficult because one lady I worked with delivered at the same hospital, on the same day, and she had her baby girl. Where was our life going I thought? We were so excited to have a new addition to our home and then we were hit with this obstacle. I didn’t think that I would ever overcome this trial in my life.
President Hinckley said, “There is no obstacle to great, no challenge too difficult, if we have faith.” My faith was tested in this trial. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of my little boy. I love to see my two nephews (who are Will’s age); I love to know that they’re happy little boys with so much energy, I’m happy that my brother and brother-in-law have their little boys and I’m happy to know that I will see my little boy one day and be able to raise him.
During this time of losing Will, Zach was applying to medical schools. We had just heard from the last school that he didn’t get in that year. Yes, we are here in Medical school now, but back when we were going through this trial there was no way that I was going to be moving away from family. I know now that there was a reason we didn’t get into medical school that year. LeGrand Richards, back in the May 1977 Ensign sums it up by saying, “God Moves in a Mysterious Way His Wonders to Perform.”
Overcoming losing a child, parent, spouse, pet or anything is always hard. But how can we overcome it? Every person is different in how they grieve or how they strive to overcome challenges in their lives. Like I said before, I always think of Will, but my strength to overcome this challenge in my life came from having the knowledge of seeing him again, knowing he’s in a better place and that we found out we were expecting another child. I have put faith in myself and my family. They have been the ones who have helped me overcome this challenge. They are the one’s who listened when I needed someone; they are the one’s who are always putting things on Will’s grave since we’re not living close. My husband has been my right hand man. He’s been there when my tears were streaming and there was nothing he could do or say to make me feel better, he’s been there on the nights that I couldn’t sleep because I didn’t think life could go on and he’s been there for the happier moments in our lives.
In February of 2009, our sweet Callista joined our family, healthy and happy. Ed J. Pinegar said, “In adversity, time is a great healer.” During my pregnancy with Callista that was my “TIME” of healing, my time to enjoy another pregnancy, to go to the Doctor twice a week my last two months and to know that everything would be okay with this baby. Yes, I had a few scares, yes when she was born I was waiting to hear that cry for a few very long seconds; but in the end everything worked out. In Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-9 it says, “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; “And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.”
Eleven months after Will was born we had Callista. My life then changed. I was more grateful for all that I had received in my life. Things have gotten better in our lives. It has been 3 years since we lost Will. Our lives have changed in many ways. With our beautiful little girl, we are living 1,200 miles away from family and we are growing daily as a family.
I know that everyone goes through some kind of adversity in their lives. Someone once told me after she lost her husband, that she really felt the spirit of the Lord in her life. She felt him hold her during her time of her trial, she said as days went by she could slowly feel the Lord release her back into the world and that her faith grew because of this trial. I know that the Lord loves us, I know he wants us all to be happy in our lives, I know that we are tested daily with our faith. I’m so thankful for my friends and family. I’m thankful for those challenges that life hands me!
